1) Your alcoholic friends are concerned.
If you friends black out on regular basis but as concerned with your behavior or feel uncomfortable at a party you may have a problem. Substitute a glass instead of a funnel next time.
2) You feel uncomfortably old.
There is a time and point in everyone’s lives when they need to move on from the club scene. Get a dog, go hiking, or even join a book club. Just don’t go the club when you find yourself constantly saying, “Man everyone is so young”. Or when you’re constantly asking your friends if you are too old. Or if you read this and feel very uneasy. There is plenty to do in life but the days of random hookups need to be substituted with a nice glass of wine having dinner with friends.
3) Ten jaeger bombs is “nbd”
I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who does Jaeger bombs by without complimenting alcohol so I’m assuming you have a few or ten alcoholic beverages along with jaeger bombs. So if ten jaeger bombs is an average night along with ten other drinks you are officially an alcoholic. Congratulations.
4) You find yourself saying YOLO every night.
First off no one says YOLO, stop that first. But next if you have to have a pre going out chant then or something to justify taking that 8th lemon drop this hour you need help. #justsaying.
5) There isn’t one normal photo in your Facebook Pictures
This is a no brainer. If every one of your Facebook photos involve a body shot, a two story funnel, or nice pictures from the club with your eyes half open you need to do something during the day. Maybe join a student organization, a sport, or a gym. There are a lot of activities that will require you to be in a photograph. Plus it’s good to have a future employer see that you work hard and play hard.
6) Mixers are for (blank)
Who doesn’t love to show their masculinity by doing a shot of devil’s piss (151 rum, tabasco sauce, lighter). But if you go two weeks of drinking from the bottle you may have a problem skipper. Mixers not only keep you awake but they make that Evan Williams taste good. And water does not count as mixer ladies. Vodka water is a disgusting drink and don’t try to act classy like you like it, it sucks.
7) You can’t wait to do shots of Devils Piss tonight
If you saw that description of devil’s piss and got excited you have a problem. That **** is disgusting. I’ve only done it once and will absolutely do it again.
8) You have more neon clothes than regular clothes
It’s okay if you are in college. All you need is one suit for Fraternity rush and ladies just need one outfit for each rush day and maybe a spare just in case. But if you have more orange shits that say, “why not” than polos or normal shirts get help! Or ask your parents for money.
9) You are broke
Wendy’s is hiring.
10) You are trying to get in law school, but currently have a 1.8 GPA
Okay, it’s cool freshman year to go buck wild. You have three years to right the ship and start over. But if its senior year and you need to get an A in every class and maybe have a fifth you screwed up. It’s time to hit the books and celebrate your success on the weekends.
YOLO – don’t worry about it, I will not contribute negatively to society
Nbd – no big deal. How did you not know that?
GPA – here is your sign you should stop partying, it means grade point average